starbucks

Dear Wally,

Yesterday at Starbucks I ordered a nonfat, triple-venti, half-caff, caramel-laced, Mocha-Frappuccino, Dolce Macchiato with one shot of Costa Rican Organic shade Terrazu, fair-trade, light-roast Americano decaf drip drizzled in the dead center. I then asked for a double shot of Guatemalan Casi Cielo Dark Roast espresso and Ethopian Sidamo poured clockwise and circumferentially around the inside edge of the same cup (a creation I’ve cleverly named ‘the ring of fire’ and have been relentlessly unsuccessful in getting added to the big menu board above my head). I mentioned to the excessively pierced Morning Barista Associate (MBA?) that if possible, my beverage should have dual pumps of processed sugar-free Juju-boo nut syrup, squeezed between the inner thighs of virgin Cuban farmers and if there’s a benevolent God looking down on us wretches at all, He might further bless adding one pump of vanilla syrup (not one shot which is typically three pumps, but one single, sublime, subtle and superlative pump) and while He’s at it, He might as well leave behind a cane sugar swizzle for my benefit. And finally I intimated that this dreamy concoction be presented in a doubled-up, bleach-free, ‘green’ white recycled paper cup ‘system’ to go because the insulated cardboard sleeves that typically sheath the single cup delivery units they try to hand me don’t typically stay on for me and that waxy brown corrugated cardboard is best used for immediately packing fish in ice on the docks (not insulating or sleeving my drink, thank you).

Well, the Barista froze up and looked at me with glazed orbs like she was some doe I had just jacked with the high beams of my gold trimmed H-3 Hummer. No further words nor movement came from this wispy, won thing. The solid brass door knocker she had obviously stolen from the oversized, heavy timbered front door of some Transylvanian castle (and then somehow managed to pierce her nostrils with) didn’t even budge. Did my simple drink request break her in two?

-Cal

Dear Cal-
You sound like a right fine pain in the rump. I don’t think I (or anyone) can help you.

-Wally

(Got a question that needs answering? Email our advice columnist- advice@bsp.com attn Wally)