Wally you run for president

Dear Wally,
Why don’t you run for President in ‘08?

- Janey Birch

Dear Janey (and fellow Romans and Countrymen):

Is this a grassroots groundswell to draft me (a la Al Gore) into a life of public service? Little old me? Hmmmmm. I haven’t heard such nonsense since my second grade class elected me most likely to get elected President (and most likely to get caught picking my nose). I don’t have a Nobel Peace Prize. Will that hurt? But…now that you mention it, Janey, I could probably get a deal on some used political lawn signs (the 25 still teetering illegally on my Rt. 209 frontage better be free. Grrrr). With a little bit of spray paint to update them and some illegal, undocumented workers to smack them deeper into the dirt for another year, it is almost do-able on a budget (so long as no one gets hurt and alerts the Workman’s Compensation oversight board). It would be difficult, however, to serve the nation at the highest level, pack my cronies into the White House, fart around on Air Force One between extended vacations, and write this column. (There better be unlimited , chilled Fresca on board Air Force One or I’m walking) Something would have to give in such an absurd scenario as me, your President. Not sure I’m even presidential material, 2nd grade classmates’ assessment notwithstanding. But that said, who doesn’t dream just a little now and then…? As a matter of fact, I’ve already picked out the White House drapes and China I’d like, if elected. Plus my dogs are rather presidential in stature and disposition (they only nip at ineligible-to-vote newborns and they are mostly housetrained). I’d also be excellent at the White House Easter Egg lawn toss.
I’ve watched a number of vituperative local political television commercials recently (who hasn’t?) and learned that the way to the top is on the backs of other’s reputations. Preferably leaving claw marks for traction. This is the time-tested winning marketing strategy and who would I be but a moron to buck it? I thus have an idea of how my radio and TV commercials might sound on the national stage, ummm, realizing that my entire platform would have to be based on my opponent’s flaws. (Sometimes you have to break some eggs to make an omelette, right?) Might go like this, for example, (Cue: fife and drum duo circa Revolutionary War. Note to producer: enhance voice EQ with extra low bass frequencies for extra gravitas.) “In Nov 2008, I’m asking you to head to the polls and vote for me as your new President. It’s time for this nation to heal. (Cue: crowd going wild- maybe stolen footage from a Stones concert??). “We were promised unity. We were promised a ‘new’ America where Republicans and Democrats, Liberals and Conservatives would be locked in a bear hug of love and protected in a prophylactic of ideological consistency. Instead we were delivered petty cat-fights, playground posturing and all time low congressional approval ratings. (With all time high congressional pay raises! Nice combo. Way to go, guys!). Well that condom broke… How many times are we gonna fall for the same old lines about reaching across the aisle for a new America? As President, I’m gonna reach across the aisle, alright. And smack ‘em for being putzes. (Cue Marx Brother’s sound effects) “My opponent voted to authorize beating up old ladies and then voted to steal their bus money. All in the same day! (Cut to: Granny being tossed off a city bus head first). “Unbelievable.” (Cut to grainy ‘unauthorized’ footage of my opponent smoking a cigar and swinging a golf club at the country club) “Think you work hard? Try exhausting golfing vacations to Puerto Rico on the backs of the big drug makers. His idea of ‘bipartisan politics’ is having two parties a day: One with his intern and another with his mistress. (Close up of a deep cigar inhale, a contented smile) “My opponent accepted more backroom bribes than all other candidates in US history (and Libya) combined. And he’s on the take. (Cut to armored Brinks Truck going around a corner on two wheels and almost tipping over) “He voted to mandate underage smoking (cigarettes, pot and crack). (Cut to baby with cigarette in her mouth). He’s probably a convicted felon, but I can’t prove it. He has outstanding library books from 3rd grade. He drives an Asian car with an expired registration and bald tires. He voted to outlaw Tuesdays. And he voted to ban lunch. He believes that public schools should be demolished with funds generated by gambling prostitutes and that instead of brick and mortar classrooms, kids should just ‘figure it out.’ And he wants your taxes to quadruple so he can buy an island in the Caribbean. (ok, sorry, that’s me). He wears linen after Labor Day!? I wouldn’t be caught dead in Linen after Labor Day or before Memorial Day. The list goes on and on. So you can see that a vote for him this November, if he hasn’t been arrested yet, is a vote for despotic tyranny, financial ruin and moral bankruptcy. And a vote for me is a for vote a new America! (cue: swelling brass instruments and please feature the fluegel horn). Remember, you only have a year left!

I’m Wally and I approve of this message.