Job interview

Dear Mr. Davis.

Thank you for taking the time to meet me yesterday. I am very interested in the position of Business Affairs Administrative Assistant and look forward to the opportunity to help your $3 billion company reach its full potential. My many years of undergraduate work have given me plenty of time to fine tune my workplace and people skills. The two back to back years were especially productive.

I’m glad we can both move beyond that incident in Amsterdam. What a banana republic, right?

I hope I’m not being too presumptuous in delineating these compensation requests before a formal offer of employment has been tendered, but in this day and age, it just makes sense to reach out and grab the brass ring. Frankly, you appeared enchanted and so I assume this love fest will continue and an offer will be imminent. As regards the terms, I hope you appreciate me standing up for what I believe. (You’ll see that I will put this energy to blunt use in a similar, get-things-done way for your company). OK, that out of the way, it’s a short list:

First: I need Fridays off. I know this sounds unusual but I can get a hell of a lot done in 4 days and I need that 5th day to ‘recharge the batteries.’ Trust me, you’ll totally agree. (I also hate dealing with the Friday afternoon riff-raff at Penn Station all gunning for same three open train seats out to the Hamptons).

I know we spoke briefly about the salary and while it pays $24,000, I need to ask that my starting salary be slightly closer to $186,340. (I spent the night at the brewpub screwing down this poverty level amount to the brass tacks. Not sure who else exactly can keep their heads above water in this town! Surely you remember when…!! A $5,000 signing bonus (Google says this is normal and customary) would be excellent and most likely get Murray off my back (We ‘met’ at the Sands in Atlantic City and for some reason he thinks I still owe the casino money. I don’t, but he’s enormous and has been lurking outside my apartment. He keeps eyeballing my kneecaps when he’s not leaving threatening messages on my machine. I’d just sign the signing bonus right over to him and be done with it all.)

Hey, I noticed the corporate helicopter when I as rollerblading on the west side. Can I impose on the Kahunas in Human Resources to ‘flip me the bird’ here and there, now and again? That weekend train to the Hamptons is inhumane. It so feels and smells like a local Bangladeshi milk train only minus the loose chickens and goats. NB: I would gladly defer to the upper management when they need to use the chopper, (I know sharing is part of being in the corporate family!) but seriously, if she’s just sitting there all fueled already, well, no one should really mind, right? I’ll make sure to take my empties with me. I’ll also strictly enforce the ‘no shoes on the seat’ policy with my share-mates so you can maintain its resale/ trade in value

I noticed that an awful lot of employees wear ties. Even the women!? I’ve never been much for dress codes and find that ties seem to choke off my creativity (to say nothing of my oxygen). I’m assuming you’ll indulge me in my free flowing casual-smart outfit of Bermuda Shorts, Crocs, and a golf shirt. (I certainly will keep a jacket handy in the event actual clients walk past my cubicle. As no one will be able to see below my waist, I assume the company doesn’t mind. Rubber soled Crocs have the added benefit of allowing me to move stealthily around the office and not distract that disturbingly large number of employees I saw hard at work playing online Solitaire and fanatically checking their EBAY auctions, fingers on a panic button that automatically pops up a dummy spread sheet if a boss walks by too closely.

Speaking of cubicle, the cubical you indicated would be mine will be excellent for my assistant (I realize we didn’t exactly get to talk about that—we certainly can as I’ll need such a person or two for maximum productivity). As for me, I’m afraid I get claustrophobic in spaces less than 20’x30’--especially ones with no large windows. I noticed a very smart office right down the hall that appeared vacant and appeared to be of those suitable dimensions. It has the added benefit of being on the building’s corner so I can keep an eye on the park. We’ll be a little far apart but with the modern marvels of the telephone, you wont have to shout down the hall for my help. The only catch, as I’m sure you are aware, is that there seems to be no TV or stereo yet. A small detail that Human Resources can no doubt take care of , I’m sure (else why would they be called Human Resources??. Hee hee).

My first order of business would so have to be getting a latte maker installed. A hand hammered Italian copper number with the cobbled dimples? Watch productivity soar, my ma-nizzle! (that’s street, incidentally, for ‘my good friend’). Marx and Engle never let that little nugget of proletariat pacification surface, did they? The world might be a very different place today indeed if there were more workplace latte machines placed next to the workplace water cooler! (Oh, can we get bottled Pelligrino instead of that yuck they pump from the slop sink in the janitor’s closet? Please?).

Look, I can’t start next week. I have a friend getting married in Delaware (?!-I’m not happy about it either). Long ago I booked my room at the Super 8 and I don’t want to eat the deposit. Surely the bottom line folks in accounting can appreciate that! I also decided to stretch the festive weekend by a bit with a trip to Bali. (The surfing is out of this world there right now and by going to Delaware I’m really almost halfway there already.) Assuming no ‘encounters’ with law enforcement, I should be ready to start work with you 6 weeks hence.

I would like to thank you in advance for the opportunity to work for your firm. Together, I’m sure we can do great things.

Sincerely,

Wally

(Mr. Davis replies: Dear Wally, I think we should at least be able to arrange ‘flipping you the bird’).