Alt use for eggs

A mixed bag of Egg Tosses, Nasty Neighbors, Green Horses and Logos…


Dear Wally,

I have a passion for growing my own food, so I checked my local zoning and found out I could have 75 chickens on my 3 acres. I've been eating eggs, three meals a day, for months and can't keep up. What should I do?

Signed,
Fowling in Ulster County


Dear Fowling,

Clearly it’s time to unite the county (if not state) (if not country) with an enormous 3-acre egg toss. Republicans on one side, Dems on the other, humiliated, disgraced and ousted politicians in the middle. (I know a few who have time on their hands right now). There’ll be plenty of laughs and all will be forgiven! It could be that easy…

-Wally


Dear Wally,
I've never liked election season campaign signs littering our roadsides, but now my neighbor has put some up at the end of our shared driveway. We have radically different political views and so never talk politics. I feel like saying something, but how?

Signed, Ticked in Port Ewen.

Dear Ticked:

Say it with eggs. (Connect with ‘Fowling’ above. He’s got the ammo, apparently). Look, this is a touchy one because, while we all have the right to our opinions, that right evaporates when it is brazenly manifested on someone else’s property. Obviously, if he disagrees with you, he’s out of his gourd! If you don’t feel like making a runny omelet on his vinyl siding however, what about trying something more sublime like ramming in signs next to each of his that say “Honk loudly at 3am if you support…” (and then point the big arrow to the sign supporting his candidate). Or volunteer to teach your punk kid nephew how to drive stick shift through the handy obstacle course your neighbor’s stupid signs just so happen to make? (Maybe it’s a good thing I’ve never been asked to be an ambassador…)

-Wally

Dear Wally,

I'm concerned about global climate change and have been thinking about trading in my SUV for a horse for my 32 mile round trip commute to work. What do you think?
Signed,

Clodding Commuter

Dear Clodding-
Sounds like you are on your way to ‘green’ employee of the month (make that buckskin) and the multitude of sweet riches that go with it like use of the company mule, the company muck rake and unfettered access to the company manure pile (if you don’t already have access to it…). Good for you. Just don’t let the cops see you talking on your cell phone while trotting (I doubt there’s anything on the books yet…) Keep both hands ‘on the wheel’ and double check that AAA will cover a single horsepower vehicle with no blinkers, brakes, or seatbelts. By the way, what do those things run on? Corn? Oats, Twinkies? Might want to check with the EPA and make sure it passes emissions.

-Wally

Ps: If you try to buy a ‘green’ horse be aware that it is not anything like a ‘green’ car. A ‘green’ horse is completely untrained and likely to dump you on your keester at mile 1 of 32. So if you cheap out and buy one, also bring running shoes.


Dear Wally:

What’s up with that new logo? Looks like you are (foolishly) engaging in the dangerous flatulation combustion experiments I so well remember from college—No doubt you remember, too?— it’s 2am, you are sitting around with your friends, a few onion and sausage pizzas later , there are no exams til next week… Then someone casually reaches for a box of matches. One thing leads to another and suddenly, KABOOOOM!

And you’re off to the Emergency Room with LOTS to explain. (At least that’s what happened to me).

You be careful porch monkey, that business can hurt a lot and I’m not just talking about the singe of public humiliation…We need you around for more sound advice…

-Concerned in Accord.

Dear Concerned:

It’s not what you think. But I’ll be careful nonetheless and relay your interpretation to the editors. Glad you ‘got my back’ so to speak. By the way, I’m assuming you’ve recovered ok and have moved on to safer, more productive hobbies?

-Wally


Got questions that need answering? Email our advice columnist at cwn4@aol.com (attn Dear Wally) or visit his blog at www.wallynichols.com