dear John

Not Just Another Dear John Letter…


Dear Wally,
What measures do you recommend I take to keep my family safe in public restrooms?

-High Anxiety in High Falls

Dear High A,

I rarely find myself aligned with the Catholic church, but on this subject I have to embrace the time-honored policy of abstinence. Specifically, one should avoid using public restrooms if possible, a notion that I guess hardly needs stating. That said, I can share a few tips that my slightly neurotic, iron-bladdered mother shared with her brood on the subject, for emergency use only. Perhaps they will be of help to your loved ones?
1) Jiggle the empty Gatorade jar at the kids in the back seat and say, “If you hadn’t drunk it in the first place, you wouldn’t need to refill it, now would you??”
2) ‘Feather the nest’ (as in, drape small ripped off sections of toilet paper (approx 10 inches long) over every conceivable inch of exposed public toilet seat. Make a thick lasagna that is interwoven and tight and flows over the bowl’s edge like the flowering gardens of Babylon. You should be able to lift a bowling ball between any section of the mesh. Only that thickness will keep nasty germs from jumping on board your loved ones for a lifetime free ride. Never mind that you might be the reason for the high deforestation rate. Never mind that you then create a whale-choking bolus that has no chance of ever passing through anything other than an industrial stump grinder. (That problem is SO somebody else’s!) Never mind the wheelchairs that are starting to queue up outside the Handicap stall you have commandeered (You’ll need the elbow room and besides you have your own ‘handicaps’—they just haven’t been diagnosed). Never mind the impolite coughs from the next 10 people waiting. You’ll never see them again! Never mind any of this. A proper nest-feathering may take up to 10 minutes. Remember, ‘bowling ball strong.’ Spend the time.
3) NEVER touch the handle. Ewwwwwww!?!? This is basic stuff, people. Handles were not meant to be handled. Especially by hands. As far as you are concerned, handles are to be kicked indiscriminately with the heel of your shoe. The catch, of course, is that when enough people do this, the entire toilet fixture tends to get jarred off its mounting and can be dangerous for folks with poor balance or weak thigh muscles. This is not your problem. Kick that handle like you are trying out for Manchester United. Kick like your life depends on it. It may just…
4) Germs can travel up to 25 feet when a toilet flushes. (Do the math—with 300 million people in the US alone, there is virtually no safe place on the entire North American continent except for a small cabin in a remote corner of the Yucatan peninsula).
5) Do NOT EVEN THINK about picking up discarded reading material and reading it. Reality check: That newspaper no longer has its virginity. That newspaper was handled by another person’s hands--Hands that were busy before during or after with other tasks, know what I mean? Do you see a Purell station in that stall? I don’t…

By the way, when you asked how to stay safe in public restrooms, I was assuming germ / microbe safe, not Sen. Larry Craig-safe. The rule book on that is still being written…

Look, good luck and keep the Gatorade bottles handy.

- Wally

PS: Ever at a loss for winning cocktail party conversation? Here’s some riveting trivia: The world’s foremost ceramic toilet bowl design work (!?) happens in the sleepy upstate college town of Alfred, NY!! (Well, c’mon, it has to happen somewhere…). Plus, 41% of the people worldwide lack access to a toilet. Don’t ask me how I know.


Got a question that needs answering? Ask Wally for yourself. (advice@bsp.com)