snowbank

Dear Wally,

I’m a little older and find shoveling snow to be a real pain. Any ideas on how to get someone to shovel my walk for free?

- Sandy in Accord

Dear Sandy,

Here’s what I did: I took out an ad on Craigslist and Ebay whose copy went something like this:

“Snow bank available to good, loving home at deep discount. Bidding starts at $13. You must move it. Please bring a shovel and some energy. It is in perfect shape but I no longer need it and feel I can’t properly care for it. It is located right by the house so from where you park your truck or minivan, you’ll need to clear a path 75 feet long and 2 feet wide pretty much right to the house (and as long as you are here, would you mind casting a little salt or sand on the path you will be creating, for your own safety?) You will be amazed by how loving and peaceful this snow bank is. And smart! And obedient (We asked it to stay a few days ago and it hasn’t budged!) It has other beneficial ‘green’ features like it will save refrigerator energy by cooling your beer and lunch meats for free. Hurry, this offer expires in 2 days (or the first few days the temperature rises above 32 degrees) The first $13 takes it! . Serious inquiries only.”

In so doing, Sandy, you’ll ratchet up perceived value and make folks feel like they are getting a deal in these times of fiscal austerity. Plus you’ll get gone a snow bank for which you have no more need. And there will be at least $13 extra dollars banging around your pocket. Lastly, you’ll get a shoveled walk out of the whole happy transaction.

I’ve also auctioned off used moustache parts on Craigslist for fun (!?!) The questions that come in are rich—“Do these parts come with a manual? (no) Are crumbs included? (yes) Are the moustache parts still growing? (what exactly do you mean?) Have the parts been regularly washed, conditioned and deloused? (yes, yes and no) Can I use them on parts of my body other than my upper lip? (excuse me? Like where? ) Is it a unisex moustache? (?????) Does it work in the winter? (yes down to – minus 20 f) What size batteries does it take? (ummm, double A , I guess. But it’s mostly solar.) Will you consider a trade for a mid 80’s Camero and an engagement ring? (I’m guessing this is why you have an available engagement ring…?) Will you ship overseas? (Don’t they have hair over there??)

As well, I’ve auctioned a 60’ diameter pond 8’ deep (“free to good home, water not included, you must move. No reserve!”) just to see what would happen. 15 calls.

You would be surprised at the power of the internet and the doors it opens to the global market place for products and services, if you can polish the turd so it is juuuuuuuust shiny enough…

I knew that any job could be filled, there existed a buyer for anything, and like Disney Corporate says (and as a result, my Disney-infiltrated nephew repeats robotically), ‘dreams really do come true’ when I saw a few years ago a piece on CNN featuring one fellow who advertised on Ebay (and promptly sold at a bidding war) a diseased, no longer viable, large toe nail that had finally given up the ghost and come off at the gym. He tucked this fungused thing into his sports bag, took some pictures and whammo!, it was up on Ebay. Ewwwwe. It’s probably on some freak’s mantle in the Guam right now. But some happy freak. My bigger point is that you should be able to make someone very content with your snow bank if you present it correctly. And you’ll get that walk shoveled! That’s what you wanted , right?

“But Wally,” you may say. “I don’t have a snow bank to offer in the first place to get my walk plowed! What do I do about that?” And to that I say, “Sandy, you ARE IN LUCK! I happen to have a snow bank you can have. It’s right by the house and it’s really nice! Come get it. And, oh, bring your shovel!”