Leaky Oil

Dear Wally:
I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs…phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names, she always says “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I stay awake to look out for her friend’s car, but she always walks up the drive.
Last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the barn and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the road when she came home.
I was crouching behind my Harley and noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Steve (Stone Ridge)

Dear Steve-
Leaking valve covers (easy to fix yourself with some chewing gum and sawdust, as the fellow who sold me his car did to the valve cover 200 miles before I took ownership) can spell worn piston rings, unseated valves, an exhausted gasket and /or waxing compression loss, which, en masse, often portend the end of the line for the ‘engine’ (The metaphorical ‘engine’, I’m gonna guess, that is your soon to be your former marriage). That’s the bad news. The good news is that it sounds like you will soon have plenty of time to tinker on the motorcycle by yourself in the garage, and maybe even teach yourself a new language like French which you can use to seriously ratchet up your new online dating profile. Now remember, a Harley that spits up or leaks nasty old oil is not the right tool for attracting the next mate (is this even what you want??) unless you fancy a Dept. of Environmental Conservation HazMat Spill Response Officer in a jump suit who may or may not be the coddling, understanding, lovey-dovey type. So, fix that hog and fly on down the road in every possible sense of the phrase..

Bon courage!.