red neckin' hard

Red-Neckin’ Hard

Dear Wally,On the weekends my red-neckin’ neighbors get rather liquored up and drive through my property on 4 wheelers, which sends my dogs into fits of hysteria. I have asked them to stay off my property, but they continue cruising around, often with beer in hand and a child on their lap. I have considered calling the police, but am slightly afraid of retribution, as I know the neighbors are avid hunters. What should I do? Riled in Rosendale

Dear Riled,

Most wilderness survival guides suggest avoiding direct confrontation with drunken 4 wheelers, especially when they are with their young. Like Grizzly bears in the springtime, drunken 4 wheelers are highly protective of their cubs and exercise good protective parenting techniques to ensure their offspring’s survival. Like their intellectual rivals, the bears, they can become quite irritable and aggressive, especially before, during or after a long, lean winter. This gets more exasperated when you fold alcohol and internal combustion engines into the mix. You may find yourself with knobby tire marks on your back if you provoke them from too close a distance. You may also find yourself being pelted with empty Coors Light cans, and possibly risk having a section of your buttocks avulsed by an angry swipe of their fingernails.

A box of roofing nails ‘accidentally’ spilled on your property should fix that problem right quick. There’s also a product I’ve read about that shoots liquid skunk stink from a 2” PVC tube you can make yourself that is similar to the aerosol fueled Potato Launcher some real rednecks use. This non-lethal weapon assaults the unwelcome intruders with a fine mist of unrelenting pungency that will surely cause them to reconsider trespassing the next time as they ponder their transgressions from a quiet place of occupational humiliation and ostracism. The stink gun is safe to use because you can sit on your porch, pitch in your rocker like Granny McAdams and wait for them to come to you. The thing shoots the mist a few hundred feet, according to the manual. It will feel like fresh morning dew to them. But it wont smell like it!! (hee hee)

There is one final weapon that you might want to use if diplomacy fails and olfactory assaults do not work. You’ll find it extremely effective but will want to use it judiciously because once you let it out of the cage, so to speak, it is not easy to put back in. Be warned, too--the cost to society is high. Here it is: Place loud speakers just inside your property line and start blasting back to back versions of Ethel Merman’s “There’s No Business Like Show Business” and “Everything’s Coming Up Roses.” Turn up the treble as far as it will go. That’ll pretty much do it. When they are off their 4 wheelers and writhing on the ground in pain, begging for mercy, then call the cops and let the legal system do its job…

Good luck and wear goggles.

Wally.

PS: Avid hunters? Might want to tuck that Halloween deer costume and fake 10-point antler hat back in the closet until this is all sorted out…


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