global warming

Dear Wally,

Global Warming…What’s The Real Deal? You seem scientific, what with those nerdy glasses and all. What’s the big hoo-ha about Global Warming? I mean, really… Should we actually be scared or is this some silly screwball scam concocted to make us conserve energy? Also wondering, do the initials “GW” in GW Bush really stand for “Global Warming?”

Signed,

Anonymous in Accord


Dear Anonymous:

First of all, it doesn’t take a scientist or even someone with ‘nerdy’ glasses to figure out that ‘Anonymous’ is likely not your real name. But though you chose to hide behind a veil of secrecy, I have ideas about this trendy, hot-button issue that require me to get on my soapbox…

So much ado about Global Warming, people...The scientific community is wadded up about the Earth's unstoppably rising temperature. Al Gore is thumping his chest like a silver back gorilla and looping film clips of icebergs falling off the polar caps. It makes us feel like we might actually get crushed by massive breakaway sheets of ice at any moment. (Incidentally, that ice is thousands of miles away from the Hudson Valley and would never fit under the Kingston–Rhinecliff bridge, nor could it go over it because it would never be granted an EZ Pass without a major credit card).

This fear mongering has got to stop. It may be true that the planet is overheating like an '82 Buick on the Long Island Expressway during Labor Day weekend, but we do have options...despite what the drum-beating, ‘fraidy-cats are saying.

America, rest easy. The solution is at our fingertips, and has been for 75 years-- If all of us from sea to shining sea just open our freezer doors for a few hours a day, we can cool this scorching orb right down. (Just put your head in for a minute and feel the cold blast!) Leave that freezer door open and the cool air will escape to do its job. End of crisis.

So easy.

There, now don’t you feel better?

-Wally

Ps—helpful hint: If you want to do more than your part, drive your car with the air conditioning on AND your windows down!

Pps- My glasses have been in style for the last 20 years. Pffffmphhhhhh.

Ppps- Who really knows what the “GW” stands for ?? Not me.

Got a question that needs answering? E-mail our new advice columnist @ bluepress@aol.com, attn: Wally.