Dear Wally 110 morality relative?

Dear Wally 110

Dear Wally:

Jack here.   Two unrelated questions.

Question 1:  Is morality relative or universal?

(Wally replies):

Jesus, Jack:  I thought you were going to ask me something easy like what color socks you should wear with your sandals (the answer is flesh-colored socks, which is to say, no socks at all) or how many teeth does a pig have.  Well, OK, let me get a strong cup of coffee going here, take a whiz, crack my knuckles, lace up my running shoes and fire off a philosophical salvo. 

Morality is relative, and here’s why:  Morality , or a particular person’s sense of what’s right and wrong, what’s just and unjust, squats over (and shifts to a certain extent as a function of time and sociological impression)  that person’s  geographic orientation and thus their association with a particular culture.  I’m working on the (irrefutable)  assumption that except for a few outliers, most of us live within the confines,  infrastructure and dogma of culture or society or religion, however closely we embrace or repudiate its parameters or tenets.  (Wow, that kinda sounds like serious undergrad BS).  This is just human nature and so it is an ok assumption to make. 

So far, I don’t think I’m explaining this very well.

The hut-bound, manifesto-scratching Unibomber Ted Kazinski, who comes to mind right now because I see a spooked-out person at the next table over furiously writing a single-spaced manifesto on a legal pad, technically lived close enough to ‘society’ to know his anti-social actions would be rejected by the tribe, but he carried on (and carried out) nonetheless.  He’s the exception and as a result,  now has plenty of time to study the undersides of his nail beds from the underside of his institutional bed of nails.

In some cultures,  actions and orientations are considered socially acceptable and fall within the overall modality of moral behavior or generally accepted morality.  It isn’t specific to a particular action, either, because there’s no single action we humans can all agree is decidedly either moral or immoral.  That same action here in NY (eating a domestic pet, for example) is unquestionably not part of our social mores, which is why we see the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest and not the Coney Island Dog Eating contest.  But fly 5000 miles away and eating Fido is longer taboo or immoral.   In fact it is celebrated (perhaps even with a dipping sauce?).  So morality is not consistent within our species just as our species is not consistent within our global geography.  

Killing people (except when it relates to a stand-up comedian’s superb performance) is immoral as far as the eye can see around here, thankfully , the vertiginous death penalty discussion notwithstanding).   But there were a few remote cultures where a man-size bamboo cauldron on the beach wasn’t an unthinkable thing to fire up.  At one point cannibalism thrived in the West Indies.  And indeed in Melanesia, indigenous ‘flesh’ markets existed.  (Thankfully our Hudson Valley farmers’ markets aren’t really, errr,  Hudson Valley ‘farmers’ markets.  Gulp.) .

It begs the question, though, “Is there anything that ALL people believe to be absolutely moral or immoral, regardless of their culture?”  If there is an answer, Jack, it probably doesn’t have a lot of company.  (Maybe stealing?  Lying? Eating pooh?)  Even those Western layups probably lurk in the murkiness of far off, unknown cultures.

I’m trying to give you a scenario where morality is universal,  survives across geo-socio-economic-religious borders, and you know what?  I’m coming up short.  I’m sorry to conclude, everything (including the decidedly unmathematical concept of morality) is relative.  I guess Einstein had it right.  Smart bastard.

So, if you get cornered at a cocktail party and asked the question, politely unfold this BSP clipping, clear your throat and read this aloud.  Then watch your well-intentioned assailant slink backwards towards the bar or exit.

-Wally

Question #2

And my second question Wally is– on which side of your mouth do you chew chocolate, chewy, yummy candy?

-Jack

Ahhhhh, Jack.  Now you are talking!  Hold on.  Let me get right back to you.  (Chomp chomp chomp)  Ok, I’ve done an informal, unscientific  study in the movie theater lobby and it appears the answer is the left side for 80% of the candy I’ve just eaten.   I’m not exactly sure why this matters (are you a dentist or something?? Do you sell online DIY fillings?),  but I will tell you that Milk Duds make excellent fake reindeer poop if you have toddlers around.  Keep it in mind for next Christmas. 

OK, what else ya got Jack??  Bring it!

-Wally

Got a question for our advice columnist or just want to get into some terminally boring conversation with him on pretty much nothing?  It’ll cost you a cup of coffee, a fistful of Milk Duds  and an email.  Cwn4@aol.com