Dear Wally 119 Tree Snakes

Dear Wally 119 (Tree Snakes)

Dear Wally:

I just read that they have a huge problem with invasive Brown Tree snakes in Guam and as an antidote,  the authorities  are proposing parachuting in poisoned mice from helicopters to kill the snakes.  Does this not seem like an ill-conceived, man-made experiment with the natural balance?  Even from here in Accord, NY,  I am blown away by how myopic we humans are in all corners of the world.  Seems like we have tried this sort of fool-hardy thing many times with disastrous consequences…

-Concerned

Dear Concerned:  I’ll speak to this but it means you must now address me as INTERNATIONAL advice columnist.    (And Blue Stone Press Payroll Dept?  Take note:  International advice carries with it a $5/ column surcharge as I have to use a different keyboard and use parts of my brain that are in the WAY back and extremely dusty). 
I’ll confess, you sort of blindsided me with this one.  I was expecting an email about a soured relationship, or whether or not it’s cool to get your stuck cat out of a tree with a 12 foot poker if no one is looking, or perhaps an invitation to engage in an extended debate on my dislike of mayo. 
I had to look into this Pacific Island crisis a bit.  For those of you completely clueless (don’t feel like you are living under a rock if you haven’t heard about this), here’s a little back story:
 "The brown tree snake has had a devastating impact," says Cheryl Calustro of Guam's Department of Agriculture. "Ten out of 12 native forest bird species disappeared in 30 years. The birds here evolved without predators. They were quite naive. And when the snake arrived on Guam it ate eggs, juveniles, adults. Whole generations disappeared."
And birds aren't the snakes' only victims. According to a USGS report, the snakes have caused "the extirpation of most of the native forest vertebrate species; thousands of power outages affecting private, commercial, and military activities" along with "considerable emotional trauma to residents and visitors alike."
Ah yes, ‘considerable emotional trauma to residents and visitors alike.’ 
And friggin’ advice columnists half a world away. 
So, as they say, “Houston, we have a problem…”  Being on an island overrun by mildly venomous tree snakes is pretty much my nightmare.  Won’t be going to inspect for myself.  But it does sound like mice are.  So I’m left with images of tiny little parachutes on the tiny backs of these doomed mice. 
Any self-respecting government will need to spend an obscene amount of tax payer money training the mice to grab the mini rip cords and deploy their mini chutes at the proper altitude.  Plus officials will have to deal with what will probably be a fairly high mouse suicide rate.   Standing at the edge of that helicopter,  imagine the mouse even bothering to use the parachute at all when the alternative is to be used as a poison bait station for an equally poisonous snake.
Of course, those astute policy wonks out there may well ask, “Well, Guam, what happens if , uhhhhh, something OTHER than a Brown Tree snake eats the toxic mouse?”  Then don’t you have a lot of collateral damage to innocent species??   And what if those little mice actually survive this hellish commando assignment, and in a fit of desperate celebration, start fornicating madly?   (I would).  Then you have an island-wide vermin problem, no?  As you would if you introduced weasels or the like.
Turns out the mice will be ‘dispatched’ (military speak for ‘killed’)  prior to being shoved (tossed? dumped?) out of the helicopter.  Their bodies will be loaded up with asprin (simple enough, right?) which is highly toxic to a few species, snakes cats pigs and birds included.  The idea being that snakes will find dead, poisoned mice with mini parachutes on their backs irresistibly appetizing… (I personally find that olive oil and sea salt can turn around any dish).
 Everything other than a mouse-nibbling snake can deal with a little asprin and not have it have lethal consequences.   Part of mitigating the damage will require a dose good old fashioned Soviet era, leaflet-dropping propaganda to warn cats , pigs and birds in whatever language it is they speak (Cat calls? Pig Latin? Tweets? ) to stay away from the dead mice (with parachutes on their back).  (My advice to Guam financial commodities speculators would be to buy pork belly futures right now and perhaps also stash a little extra bacon in the freezer).
Nature’s balance is delicate and almost always leaves those meddling with it with grand tales of regret.  That said, I’d be freaking out too if I lived there.  One member of the online discussion forum suggested firebombing the entire island nation with Napalm and then after some period of time, letting the people return.  Egads- we are doomed to repeat history…  So dropping poisoned mice?  Relatively harmless experiment (if you aren’t a mouse, I suppose).
It’s a mess over there in the South Pacific with their snakes and tsunamis.  At least all we have to worry about here in the Hudson Valley is hydro-fracking.  (hmmm, I wonder if the radioactive rock tailings and spent, benzene-based drilling fluid would kill Brown Tree snakes?  Wait wait wait!!!  I might have just solved two big problems at once (and saved a lot of mice).  (And earned my $5 international advice surcharge).  Ah ha!
If Guam’s ‘Operation Mouse’ doesn’t work, and turns into a global headache, one at least hopes they will have plenty of extra, unused asprin (or edible, aspirin –soaked mice)  handy for the folks in the government’s Public Relations department.
Oh, the reason this imbalance occurred in the first place?   The non-native Brown Tree snakes (at least one male and one female) stowed away in a (manmade) ship from Papua New Guinea , circa WWII.  Nice going gents.  Got to call the travel agent and cancel my trip there , too.

Got a snake problem?  Do NOT email our advice columnist at cwn4@aol.com