Dear Wally 118 Fat free

Dear Wally #118 Fat Free

Dear Wally:

I’m writing to you having just finished a horrible salad made with Fat Free Caesar dressing.  No brand names necessary – they all suck.  I continually regret the decision to buy fat-free dressing yet I keep doing it and finding myself snookered each and every time.  When will I learn?  Tell me, why does fat-free have to be so disgusting?  And if it’s fat-free, where does all the removed fat go?

Thanks.  

-JO

Dear JO:

I fall for the fat-free lie all the time at the supermarket, and like you, have spent many meals with a curdled grimace of dissatisfaction upon my lips, hangdog and trying hard to gum down something that has been starved of its delicious fat and , consequently,  its delicious taste.   I will the experience to be good, or at least  acceptable, but it never is.  You have to remember  that sometimes gold is really just a turd that’s been polished until it shines.   Look, here’s the deal:  Fat free usually = taste free.  ‘When will you learn’  is right  Sigh.  And when will I learn?

It begs the question though, why are we so scared of fat?  Fat is good for us.  It helps build the myelin sheath that coats the neural dendrites and axons in our nervous systems.  Without enough fat in your diet, your nervous system might not fire electrical impulses rapidly enough.  And that would make it extremely hard for you to get cut off in traffic and immediately give that other A-hole driver the finger they so richly deserve.  You really don’t want to miss the moment with this sort of thing.  So eat your fat.  There are plenty of people who need that middle finger of yours to be working and most of them drive on rt 209.  If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for them.

Now of course, some Americans have taken their love affair with fat to its harmful extreme and have wound up needing to be buried in piano cases.  We tend to be glutinous (I am as guilty as the next so please strip this observation of its self righteous sanctimony).   Rich food is yummy.  Some of the best tasting fatty food is also some of the worst for you.  (Deep fried Twinkies come to mind).  But by that logic,  the more Twinkies you eat, the faster your neural networks will allow you to eat them!  How’s that for self-destructive hard wiring??

Do I sound like a tired , repeating and broken record by saying that moderation is key?  The 2 tablespoons of fat free salad dressing one uses won’t make one be flat enough to keep one out of a piano case if that’s where one is heading.    (Come on,  B flat?  Piano?) .  But congrats to you for eating a salad in the first place…

You do ask an interesting question though about the original fat that has gone missing from all the ‘fat free’ products lining the shelves.  What did they do with it?  If you buy Lavoisier’s principle(s) of conservation of mass then what the hell happens to the mass of discarded dietary fat?    I think it gets sent on a flatbed truck to a farm in the South to live out its days grazing on sweet green pasture grass in relative peace, just  like my parents said at dinner one night had happened to my pet goat that ‘disappeared’ the day before .  At least that’s what I want to believe.

Dear Wally:

How do I get the urine smell out of my carpet?  I have 2 territorial cats who have marked their space and continue to do so relentlessly.

-Not quite a cat lady.

Dear Not Quite:

Exactly how far is it between “Not Quite a Cat Lady” and “Whoops, I guess Maybe  I AM a Cat Lady?”   I fear the line might be razor thin based on your question.  Sounds like they not only walk all over you, but they whiz on you,  too.  You even refer to it as ‘their’ space.   Guess what?  It’s YOUR space.

The best way to get the urine smell out is to not let it get in in the first place. 

As for what’s already done, there are a lot of homemade remedies to counter the pervasive and stubborn smell , and all the remedies  bandy about on the internet.  My favorite:  take two ounces of Puerto Rican dark rum, mix in a cup of pure cane sugar, grind up a cup of mint leaves, pour over crushed ice, mix with a stalk of sugar cane and pour over the affected area (your lips?).  (Though I might have gotten this from a Mojito website).   Anyway, whatever is left, work it in with the heel of your foot (preferably a stiletto heel for concentrated grinding action) until the smell is gone or you are too exhausted to continue (or care).

I believe you might also use two tablespoons of fat free salad dressing.   Put it in your cats’ food. That should do it.

-Wally

Dear Wally: 

Whenever I hear two songs of an artist played on the radio back to back, I always assume they have just died and we’re hearing a tribute. 

-Radiohead

Dear Radiohead:

I know!   Me too.!  It’s a horribly macabre habit, right?  Though the chances are pretty good if you listen to either classic rock or Oldies.   My fears were confirmed last week with extra Bee Gees airplay on the radio.  R.I.P. Robyn Gibb (Neither the hairy one nor the bald one for those of you keeping score at home).

-Wally

Got a question for our advice columnist?  Email him at cwn4@aol.com