Dear Wally 114 Mayo Redux

Dear Wally #114

The Mayo Redux:

Well, the unspeakable has happened: The floodgates of reader response have opened and the resulting deluge of heartfelt support for this strangely beloved condiment has hobbled the entire administrative Dear Wally staff. I had two assistants quit this week-- one with lower back pains from hefting the bulging mail sack (and the other because I don’t pay enough). So thank you.

Those of you who so actively dislike my dislike of mayonnaise have stood up and let yourselves be heard, and at some level I suppose I appreciate that. At some other level I wonder if these passions (and this unending free time you seem to have?) might not be better directed at , say, the anti-fracking movement* or protesting continental drift (North America and Europe ARE on a collision course at the rate of 1” a year and someone needs to start worrying).  Or for those less politically active, sock darning?

* ‘frickin’ fracking’ ??  Hmmmm.  Cute AND fun to say, especially if mumbled!  Could be bumper sticker material…

Mayo.

As feared, some have even mailed me (care of the Blue Stone Press’ office) stolen(?) sample packets of the oleaginous crap to try and sway my stalwart, contrarian stance.

I wont be swayed by peer pressure or falsely framed ‘consensus.’ And no, I won’t be your proselyte! At this point my repudiation is a matter of stubborn principle.   And by the way, I don’t live at the Blue Stone Press, but if this economy tightens up any more, I might just.

I would like to share some of the letters , if for nothing else, to celebrate my impassioned , yet suspiciously anonymous, fellow Ulster Country tribesmen.  My responses below in bold.

So here goes and keep ‘em coming!  (and next time, if you don’t want me to goof on you, use a friend’s name).

           

Att: Wally

            Your derision of Mayonnaise only confirms for us your place on the pedestal of inanity and insanity. Long live tuna salad! Respectfully, Mr. and Mrs Anonymous.

Wally replies: Careful what you wish for. “Long Living’ tuna salad (especially unrefrigerated) will deliver unto you the kind of crippling,  deep waist bends and diarrhea that will land you both in the Emergency Room- where you can be sure they won’t serve you tuna salad. A family that sicks together sticks together…

           

Dear Wally:

            I must say that I was dismayed by your recent column regarding mayonnaise. I am an elderly woman living alone and memories of mayonnaise often keep me going. When I was very little I was left alone in my house by accident. My family returned several days later aghast at what they had done. Because of a large jar of mayo in the larder, I was able to fortify myself in their absence. Many years later while I was grocery shopping I dropped a jar of mayo on the floor (in those days only glass jars were used). The kind man who came to my aid ended up becoming my beloved husband!

            Our five lovely children all grew up eating mayonnaise right from the jar, big greasy smiles that always warmed my heart.

            So now, all I have are these wonderful memories and my jars of mayonnaise. You can’t take them away from me ever.

Sincerely, Mrs Edna Prince.

Wally replies:

That’s a beautiful story, Edna. If you remarry and your next husband also predeceases you, bear in mind that mayo makes a great embalming fluid. Keep him AND those memories alive forever, too!  PS, dating tip: keep that mayo-shrine stuff under your lid for the first few dates, k?

-Wally

Oh, and those glass jars are now collector’s items.  (You might be, too)

To: Wally:

My mom says you shud (sic) not say mean stuff abowt (sic) mayo, I like it. I like it on a blt. Also with pretsuls(sic). Be nice to mayo. From T (age 14)

Wally replies:

Tell you what, T- I’ll be nice to mayo if you stay in school.

-Wally

Dear Blue Stone Press: On behalf of the Mayo Club of Ulster County, I would like to reprimand Wally for his incendiary and disparaging remarks regarding mayo. Where did you find this guy? With only 110 calories of fat per tablespoon, mayo is healthy , nutritious and delicious. Repent now and be saved. Join us as we bring this amazing condiment into the spotlight it deserves. Visit us at www.mayohealsall.com. Look forward to hearing from you, Jonathan.

Wally replies:

Jonathan, my man… Your letter had grease stains on it. You really love mayo so much that you can’t write a 2 sentence proselytizing letter urging me to repent without getting mayo schizzz on it?  What’s your problem?  If this is what salvation looks like, I’ll take Hell. At least the mayo will be in a liquefied state.

-Wally

Recipe for Wally:

Yummy Mayo Dip

Mix:

1C Mayonnaise

1C Parmesan Cheese

1 C chopped artichoke hearts

1-2 cloves garlic

Then,

1)salt and pepper to taste.

2)Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes.

3)Enjoy.

Wally replies:

I was ok with the recipe until the last step. I rewrote it for you.

1)salt and pepper to taste

2)Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes.

3)Flush

-Wally

Well, I’m out of space. I’m glad I could be a lightning rod for the mayo faithful. If I write a piece on how much I hate $20 bills, will you all send those to me as well? Let’s try! Please send your letters of concerns (and your Andrew Jacksons) to me at cwn4@aol.com