Dear Wally 97
Application to date my daughter
Dear Wally:
Some punk is poking around trying to date my teenage daughter. I don’t think he’s good enough. I don’t think anyone is. This guy is cagey and he doesn’t appear to bathe often (ever?). He drives a loud, souped-up car and he always looks slippery to me-- like he is lurking. What’s he trying to hide (from)? And he avoids eye contact. The whole thing makes me sick. She’s my little princess-- I want her to have fun and date if she wants. I know she’ll have to kiss a lot of toads, but dang this guy’s a pretty toady toad... Advice? Help!
Concerned dad.
Dear Concerned Dad:
I fear I am only a few quick years behind you. We over-protective Poppa Bears will never get a sound night of sleep as long as there is one horny teenage boy out there. We parents all want our children to date the choicest specimens available, but you know that is largely out of our control (and rightly so-- we got to make our own choices , and suffer or celebrate the consequences). Can’t touch the hot stove top on behalf of your child, or filter out the dregs, much as we might want to.
As palliation for your situation, I found you this already viral Application To Date My Daughter online written by an anonymous source, but still workable for your purposes.
Perhaps an honest response from the young man will prove he isn’t a punk? Maybe he IS just looking for a person to go the library with or pick raspberries with…
And (sigh) maybe monkeys will fly.
Either way, at least it will be a speed bump on his way to your daughter’s bra strap.
Oyy.
Look on the bright side, at least the expression is ‘kiss a lot of toads’, not ‘f’ a lot of toads…’
I’m teaching my kid to pick her nose so the boys stay away for a bit longer. It’s going well. A little too well, actually.
Feel free to copy this and leave it in a weather-proof folder at the bottom of your driveway. Leave a #2 pencil and an a few empty shotgun shells scattered about!
Good luck, dude.
-Wally
Application For Permission To Date My Daughter
Note: this application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor.
Name_____ Date of Birth________Height_________Weight___________IQ_________GPA____Social Security #_______________Driver’s License_________Boy Scout Rank and Badges_____________Home Address_____City/State____Zip_______
Accessories Section:
a) Do you own or have access to a van __Yes __No
b) A truck with oversized tires __Yes __No
c) A waterbed __Yes __No
d) A pickup with a mattress in the back __Yes __N0
e) A tattoo __Yes __No
f) Do you have a nose ring. __Yes __No
g) Do you find it amusing to ignite your own flatulence.* ___Yes __No
h) Do you already have a current girlfriend? ___Yes__No
i) Have you ever read a book?** __Yes___No*
If you answered ‘YES’ to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises immediately. I suggest running.
*(g)This is not necessarily a deal breaker.
**(i) This was a trick question, dummy. Go back and reread it.
Essay section
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘Don’t touch my daughter” mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does “Abstinence” mean to you?
References section:
Church you attend__________________________________________
How often you attend_______________________________________
When would the best time to interview your:
Mother?_______________
Father?________________
Pastor?________________
Parole Officer?__________
Short Answer Questions
Have you ever been arrested?
Have you repeated the same grade in High School more than 3 times?
Do you own a van? Explain. (please note: Mini Van is not only acceptable but encouraged)
You spent the summer slacking. What did you mean to get to?
A woman’s place is in the:
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
What do you want to do IF you grow up?
When I meet a girl, the first thing I always notice about her first is:
‘No’ means:
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
I SWEAR THAT ALL THE INFORMATION ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,DISMEMBEMENT, WATERBOARDING, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, PENETRATION BY RED HOT POKER.
Applicant’s signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Mother’s signature
Father’s signature
Priest, Pastor, Rabbi
State Representative/ Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow for 4-6 years for processing. Please do not try to call or write. If you are rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
Well, there you have it, Concerned Dad. Straight from the internet.
If you have a question or have a cute, single, adult, non nose-pickin’ daughter, email our advice columnist at cwn4@aol.com .
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