dear wally 103 ups

Dear Wally 103 UPS

Dear Wally:

I work for UPS driving all day, humping packages around, being nice to people and rattling around in a big, boxy, brown truck. I love my job but don’t have a lot of surplus energy or time at the end of the day. There is something that really bothers me because it wastes my precious time-- Why is it that when I’m at the laundromat, and I put quarters in the dryer, I then have to push a start button? Isn’t this an extra , completely unnecessary, step? For some reason this really tweaks me. We can put a man on the moon and yet we can’t automate this maneuver? Really?

-Tweaked Out UPS Lady In Brown

Dear Tweaked:

It does seem lame that we have to take this extra step. As an isolated activity, it’s not a big deal, but think of all the little crap that collectively becomes a time hog. (Reading over 100 Dear Wally’s comes to mind). I am reminded of the power of aggregation when I think of childhood car rides sitting next to my sister who would , out of sheer tedium, start the trip by gently poking my nearby thigh with her index finger. I could barely feel it. However, 20 minutes later, I would have an untouchable bruise and my leg would be purple and pretty much unusable. (I think she was recruited at 8 by the CIA for their ‘interrogation’ department). Ask the luckless, strapped down dude in a Chinese prison if the first 3 drops of water that rhythmically land on his forehead are the ones that bother him. Then check back in 13 hrs! The little things add up.

The tip of the aggregation (and frustration) pyramid for you is a dryer that demands you do for it what it should for itself before it does for you what you don’t want to do for yourself.

The logic of consumer choice makes sense on other coin-operated appliances. Put money in a soda machine, and sure, you should be able to get a Coke or a Ginger Ale as it suits you. We do not live in some martial law based dictatorship (uhhh, right?) so we expect choice. All good. But for a single purpose appliance, like a dryer, the illusion of consumer choice is misleading and you are right to feel like someone is gaming you and wasting your time. (Time better spent washing my driveway mud off of your big brown truck or finally bringing the thermal long underwear I ordered 2 weeks ago from LL Bean. By the way, I’m STILL waiting. WTF?).

We all know exactly why we stand in front of a single purpose commercial dryer—It’s not because we expect a cardboard cup to drop down and tepid, horsepiss colored broth with dehydrated ‘chicken’ chunks to be shot into it. It’s not because we want to practice a motivational speech to a captive , baked white enamel audience with one big glass eye. We want our clothes dried. As fast as possible.

They give us buttons to graduate the level of dryer heat we want for our delicates, and that’s right. But having to push a knob to start? Silly, in a word. Just inserting quarters in the first place is proof enough that man and machine are united in the mission..

I suspect the ‘start’ button (a legacy ‘feature’ now), was originally conceived in the 60’s ‘race to the moon’ zeitgeist as a tool of perceived empowerment, in effect saying to the homebound housefrau, “You don’t get to go to turn knobs in a rocket ship, but here, push this button and feel the power. You may not be able to do a lot of things that you might otherwise want to, but damn it, YOU get to say when this dryer will start.”

I hope that this little dialogue of ours reaches the cold hearts of tomorrow’s appliance designers and engineers in a meaningful way. It’s time to let them know that we are not stoopid and that our time is valuable. Think, too, of all the unnecessary calluses and sloughed skin we have had to endure forced, as a people, to jab a start button…

I hope change comes swiftly. For you, for me and for all humanity. This is truly an outrage.

Something to consider- You sport a brown uniform. That sort of means you don’t need to even wash it. And no wash means no dry. Make your (pungent) statement of protest this way?

On a different note, I have some questions for YOU. How friggin’ cold does it get in that truck in the winter? Do you guys have pumping stereos that overpower the sound of fragile packages slamming against each other? How is it possible I got a package last year with tire marks on it? Have you ever gotten that truck of yours up to 60 mph anywhere other than my driveway? Even if you drove it over a 500’ cliff a la Themla and Louise, I doubt it would go that fast. If you want, can you wear those brown shorts all winter or does ‘Corporate’ frown on that? Are you also required to wear brown underwear? If so, does 'Corporate' check?

So many questions, so little time...

Good luck.

Now, I’m hitting the ‘end’ button on this.

-Wally

Got a question for our advice columnist or just want a refresher on how to use an old fashion laundry line and avoid annoying ‘start’ buttons? Write him an email. Don’t forget to hit the ‘send’ button!