Dear Wally 102
Dear Wally:
I recently had someone break into my 10 year old, filthy minivan at 4am in my otherwise safe neighborhood with really nice cars all around. They shattered a window (the doors were unlocked) , screwed up the child car seat, opened up the glove box and stole my broken GPS. What dingbat does this?
-Pissed off Soccer Mom
Dear Pissed off Soccer Mom:
This is such a personal violation that I , a total stranger, am offended for you. On your behalf, I feel like someone has rifled through my underwear drawer. Ewwwwwwwww.
Also on your behalf, I’ve decided to craft an open letter to said thief on the off chance he reads the Blue Stone Press, or a relative of his does and clips it out for him.
-Good luck, Wally.
Dear guy who broke into my minivan: First, I am assuming you are a guy. Statistically, the chances are good and while I’m making a bold generalization that may offend legitimate female thieves, I will take the Politically Incorrect chance. If I am wrong, and you are a she, my deepest apologies. But whatever your gender, you are a thief, and let’s remember that. Your currency in the law abiding, sometimes civilized world is devalued, regardless.
Sir, my minivan was recently violated and I think you know what I’m talking about. (And don’t you dare try to change the subject by accusing me of ending my sentences with dangling prepositions). You snuck up in the middle of the night and with your grubby raccoon paws, quietly broke the driver’s side window to gain access to the sweet treasure trove you fancied was inside. Well done, because I heard nothing and the car was parked just outside of my house on a street normally immune to such base behavior. Had you tried the car door handle, you would have found it to be unlocked. Unlocked because I know what you now know--there is nothing of value in my car. When you were in school, did they not teach you that the easiest path is often …the easiest path? Not trying to get all Zen on you, but spend some time with this concept before your next criminal act, yes? I have full glass insurance, but still…Why not move through this world with efficiency if we can?
So you get in, crafty, talented one, and what do you find? A child’s car seat bejeweled with pulverized cheerio pixie dust and the greenish, fuzzy remains of a rejected fig newton on the back of the bus to mold town. I know I shouldn’t let my child eat in the car, but sometimes there just isn’t enough time in the day for a proper sit down meal. I know you know how I feel because you are over scheduled too and apparently forced to do your bidding at really unreasonable hours (like 4am). It’s crazy how busy we all get, right?
Fluffy the hamster has gone missing as of last month. Sigh. Last seen in the minivan. Did you find him (or any part of him) by chance? There is a foul odor somewhere back there. Don’t have to worry now that I have non-stop, gale-force, fresh air blowing in my face and beating back the stench. Thanks, errr, I guess.
I’m sure you thought my decade old, dented, filthy minivan was the PERFECT ruse for transporting riches. I like your thinking! And that’s why you probably were not discouraged when you broke through the crusty first layer of kid’s food , socks, books and other assorted trinkets I use to eek out some precious truce on car rides. I know you were thinking, “Clever distraction, Soccer Mom, taking a minivan to a demolition derby , filling it with shit, chucking in a car seat, maybe topping it off with a dead hamster, and then using it to transport valuables. But I’m smarter than you and if I keep digging deeper, I’ll get to the gold bullion in the secret compartment!”
A miscalculation, but honest mistake on your part—my sagging minivan was not actually laden down with heavy precious metals, but in fact, it sits 2” off the ground and scrapes every bump because all 4 struts need to be replaced and I can’t afford that right now. (Especially not that I have a new car window to buy!)
But the whiff of easy gold makes even honest men hallucinate. Maybe that’s why you pulled apart the kid’s car seat fabric (or was it that your fingers became crazy glued to the fabric when you accidentally touched the melted lollipop?)
Anyway, you did finally make it to the glove box. Again well done! It’s about the last place I thought anyone would look for valuables. That’s why I left my 3 year old GPS there, also unlocked. One little thing-- It’s there because I lost the power cord and they no longer make a replacement. So you are in possession of something, dear sir, that will not only not work, but that you will be unable to sell on Ebay. You have done me an inadvertent favor, to wit: Now I do not need to remember to reach into my glove box and throw it out next time I fill up.
I do wonder why you didn’t consider plying your trade on the BMW that was parked in front of me, or the Mercedes parked behind me... I like my neighbors plenty, but were I inclined to steal, basic logic would support hitting their fancy cars. Just me, though…
Well, best of luck to you, and thanks for making me feel safe and loved and special. I hope the next car you break into has a fully functioning moral compass that you can sell for big bucks.
Best (I mean it), Soccer Mom
Ps: please try the door handle first next time. Shhhhhhhh. Nope! Don’t say thanks. That tip is on me!
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