dear wally 101 the many rt 9s

Dear Wally 101 Rt 9

Dear Wally:

What is up with the naming of roads in upstate NY?
There are so many roads with the number 9 in them, HOW CAN ANYONE KEEP THEM STRAIGHT..?

There is: 9, 9W, 9G, 9H, 9J.... (and there could be more).
Is there any logic to this mish mosh?

What gives? Who came up with this? It is almost like that old skit:

1972–1978 television series, see The Bob Newhart Show. ...
I'm Larry; this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl. ...

signed,
Paul, All 9ed-out in Ulster County

Dear Paul, All 9-ed out:

I totally agree. You’d think that the Hudson Valley got a sweet deal on government surplus road signs that had the number ‘9’ preprinted on them and all we had to do was stencil in a random letter to further differentiate the routes…

Even if they used 9 and then a letter, why not be alphabetically sequential about the letters? Is that so hard? 9A, 9W, 9G, 9H, 9J? Come on!! (Maybe we couldn’t afford any more vowels??). Or why not turn a few upside down and give us some Rt 6’s??

The 9 ‘x’ variable can’t be directionally based , can it? Rt 9W (9 West?) only makes sense if you are headed west. But you can go EAST on 9W (and north and south for that matter) and that must be a real headtrip for that person paying attention to where they are going. Incidentally, this person is not me.

If it IS destination-based, does 9G take you to Greenland if you stay with it long enough? Or if you turn the other direction will you eventually start seeing the Spanish road signs of Guatemala? Does 9H take you from Harare, Zimbabwe to Havana (via Rhinebeck?). Never been lost on these roads long enough to find out, but I wouldn’t be surprised…

We ARE sort of on an international trade route…

I called the Governor’s office in Albany to get some help on this. They immediately hung up on me so I had no choice but to run to the welcoming arms of Numerology. I think you will be shocked by my discoveries.

The ‘9’ part of Route 9 ‘X’, is an important number because its building block, and even divisor, is the very special number ‘3.’

3 is the number of toes the first governor of NY had left on his right foot after an accident in a 9 acre field with a wheat thresher which he was using on Sept 9^th of that year. The hospital records show that he showed up at exactly 3pm to the emergency room, and there were 3 nurses on duty, with a total 9 teeth between them. The unfortunate governor in question was none other than Gov. George Clinton, (no relation to the 70’s funk group Parliament’s ultra-funky founder) whose first name has 6 letters (2x3=6 Ahhh HA!) and whose last name, Clinton, has 7 letters, which is 2 times 3 plus 1 (1 being the chronological rank of his place as first to hold the office).

Hmmmm. It’s all pulling into focus, ehh?

The office of the Governor of NY was established in 1777, which if divided by 3, returns 592.3333333… (ad infinitum) . That’s a lot of 3’s and you need a lot of 3’s to build a lot if 9’s. You still with me?? Good. The original term of office was 3 years, but Clinton served 6 terms for a total of 18 years in office!! 18= 9x2!

MY GOD.

NY, it is worth mentioning, was one of the first 13 colonies and while 13 itself is not evenly divisible by 9 (unless you are dating an easy going math teacher), it DOES have the number 3 in it, further building the correlation between upstate NY and its affinity for route names that include , and are often limited to, the number 9.

Coincidence? I don’t think so…

Trust me, there is method to the seething madness of the extended Route 9 patriarchy and its fecund nest of alphabetical bastard kin. I know you conspiracy theorists out there are sitting up, tossing out your JFK Assassination files and paying attention now. I hear pencils breaking in clutched, frustrated fists .

More? Ok.

In any event, the first year that Ulster and Dutchess counties had paved roads, (1833!?!? Are you GETTING this pattern yet??) 3 sows were run over, which while quite sad as the unfortunate consequence of nature butting up against technology, is helpful in the following explanatory way: Consider that according to very early copies of the Blue Stone Press, which was published by Jebediah Ebaneezer Childers and chiseled out by hand on actual bluestone slabs, each mushed sow had 9 piglets that were not hurt whatsoever (until it became time for them to get bacon-ated, of course).

The area roads are typically 18 feet wide with 3 foot shoulders (except Rt 299 which has no shoulders. Grrrrr). And there are 3 sections of asphalt on either side, and between, the double yellow lines. 18 divided by 3 = 6 (the exact height, in feet, of NY’s 3rd Governor—Yes, Clinton AGAIN!!).

There’s simply too many points to not draw a straight line.

Finally, there are 3 major celebrities who believe in Numerology, as if I needed celebrity endorsements to validate my theories; John Travolta, Tom Cruise and now Tom Cruise’s wife Katie Holmes (who is 9 inches taller than him).

So there you have it!

Crap, I meant Scientology.

Either way…

I don’t think I answered your question…

Oh well.

-Wally

Got a question for our advice columnist, or are you just lost somewhere on a rt 9 in Ulster or Dutchess ? He probably is too. Email him at cwn4@aol.com