dear wally 67 dating cord wood

Dear Wally-

I have lots of questions. How long do you think you should date someone before the TALK (Where are we going? What do you want in life? children? blah blah blah). I find that men are the ones asking way too soon. What is wrong with spending time together and finding out if you actually enjoy each other's company before picking out china patterns? Does cooking for someone that you have been dating imply a sleepover or can it just be dinner? How can I politely tell someone I have been seeing that it is none of his business what I do when we are not together? We're not there yet - and may never be. Is it okay to invite my ex-boyfriend to a dinner that my current boyfriend will be attending? What exactly is a cord of wood? Have heard so many different answers and am completely confused.

-R.O.

Dear R.O:

Boy, you are making me work for my money on this week’s battery of relationship questions! So, let’s get to it- I have only just so much ink before they shut me off around here. To answer your first question, you should date someone precisely 3 days before the dreaded directional talk. Set your stop watch. Go! 3 days is sufficient time to go from ‘first date to procreate!’* 72 hours. I mean, why dilly dally?

(*This kind of advice is possibly one reason I’m not a nationally syndicated advice columnist)

Frankly, you already know if this is Mr. Right. Based on the defensive stance of your other questions (the size of cord of wood not withstanding) I’m guessing you aren’t hauling him off to meet momma anytime soon.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. And if I’m wrong, I’ll just be another misinformed, loser guy in your rear view mirror! At the moment, however, I’m feeling crowded for you and I’ve never met the fellow. (I’ve probably never met you for that matter, though who knows?). I presume this relationship, while young and fresh, still has that new car smell. Imagine how he’ll tweak you after 10 years, 2 kids and possibly a horribly inappropriate China pattern)! Head for the hills missy, but not before you have a fun time with him on your own terms. Make sure he doesn’t know your real name, if it isn’t too late. Use your anti-stalker ‘stripper name’ which is distilled from the name of your first pet and the pluralized name of the street you grew up on. (My stripper name, if I ever needed one, would be Fluffy Mangoes. And based on my name alone, I’d probably make a lot of money as a stripper).

What you cook for your man says everything about where the night will go. You have the ultimate say, so decide what you want in advance. Just want dinner with no awkward pussyfooting around the stay-over issue? Leave the deviled eggs out in the sun for a few hours before the meal. Or slip some Ex Lax into the flourless chocolate tart, throw it in the oven and set the ol’ egg timer for ‘soft boil.’ Believe me, there will be skid marks in your driveway (hmmm, maybe I should rephrase that?).*

It is none of his business what you do in his absence. He should know this. But…But…If you play this card, then it also is none of your business what he does in his time away from you. (Good luck reconciling that. It must burn you to think he’s out with his ex!!). But be strong and mature in the face of certain infidelity and potentially crippling public humiliation. Unfortunately, this is the way that cookie has to crumble. Want to know what he’s doing at all times? It’ll cost you much more than the price of an electronic ankle monitor.

And now you say you want to steer this relationship right up on the rocks by going to dinner with your guy and your ex? Are you nuts?? You are about to have 2 ex boyfriends! This is the same guy who wants to know where you are all the time, remember? That doesn’t say “I’m cool with a parade of your exes,” to me. This is a fragile relationship that needs gentle nurturing and careful definition, not a full broadside hit to the ribs. Ummmm, bad idea unless you know they are serving deviled eggs and ex-lax. Remember, you have started using your porn (fake) name for a reason!

I know your head is spinning from this barrage of dubious relationship advice. But let me introduce some cold hard facts to sober you up: Size matters--A cord of fire wood is wood cut 22” and stacked in a pile that is 8’ long, 4’ high and 4’ wide. Not a heap of wood in a beaten up pickup truck. It should cost a little less than $200 delivered (not stacked). It should be hardwood, aged at least a season. If you are not sure, have them drop it off at my place. I’ll burn it and let you know if it is (was) the real deal.

-Hope all this helped,

Wally (aka: Fluffy Mangoes)

Got a question for our advice columnist or just want to drop off a cord of wood so he can test it in his woodstove? Email him at cwn4@aol.com