dear wally 65 inheritence

Dear Wally
My grown daughter recently asked me what my plan was for taking care of myself in my older years. She wants to know how much I am worth, my bank account numbers, and how I plan to distribute my assets when I die. I am 65 now and single (and not bad looking if you know anyone). I am pretty free spirited -I spend the winters in the south and the summers up north. I find the questions a little nosy and insulting, to be honest. I’ve a perfectly valid will in effect which spells out my wishes and spreads my assets equitably between my two children. I drew this will up with an attorney who is also a friend, so it’s not like I scratched it out on a cocktail napkin and sealed it with lipstick and a giggle. Now here comes little miss busy body. How should I deal with this?
-Barb

Dear Barb:
Nothing says “I love you” from a daughter to a mother like “Let me take a peek at your will to make sure I’m still in it.” Well, I stand corrected. The only thing that is more rankling is if your fiduciary soundness is outright challenged to your face, as in “Let me take a peek at your will to make sure I’m still in it and you are not being a reckless moron by spending my money now.”
I’m not surprised you are a little insulted. What your daughter has failed to consider is that you had the wherewithal to have and raise her and her brother and still manage to live your own life without nose-diving into bankruptcy and the welcoming sanctuary of an empty refrigerator box as your home. And now it sounds like you are actually having fun with your life. Maybe she’s jealous? We probably shouldn’t even go there lest I get swamped with more hate mail than usual.
If you had neglected to prepare a will, she might be right to call you out. But I’m guessing she doesn’t even know that you have a will. You might let some time pass , let cooler heads prevail, and let her know that you appreciate her concern for your well being, but that you have prepared a will with an attorney and you hope that it will be a very long time before anyone has to read it. But when they do, it will accurately and fairly reflect your wishes as Mauricio the hot young Dominican lap dancer you ‘Cougared’ deals with the remains (pardon the expression) of your estate.
I think what your daughter might be nervous about, if I may read between the lines, is the dreaded scenario where you become incapacitated , move in with her, and she has to change your diapers indefinitely. (Dear readers, I know you thought this was going to be the one Dear Wally letter that was serious and didn’t invoke something crass or scatological. I’m sorry …).
That scenario might be worth considering, but not to the point that it gets you too worked up. Why? Because there are an unlimited number of scenarios that could be conjured that are equally viable and absurd. You could spend the rest of your days sketching them out and never get out of the house. (For example any number of asteroids might collide with the Earth and destroy half the human race. Then what? Who’s changing your diapers then? Somebody in Australia you have yet to meet? Your daughter might get sick or die before you. She might get her hand caught in a bear trap and not be able to change anyone’s diapers including her own. Then what? Do you see the point?).
You might consider asking her to focus on the things we have control over (which are precious few including what time to set the alarm clock and whether or not to have fish sticks for dinner). Suggest she not project too far ahead, for everyone’s sake (but, secretly, hers the most). Creative, resourceful folks will come up with creative resourceful solutions, as need be. That’s just the way the universe works (assuming it hasn’t been hit by an asteroid). She’ll get the idea that, for the moment, while you still have your faculties, the matter is largely none of her business and that you find the mere question slightly invasive.
Now for the hostile lawyer letters, I’m sure. So I’ll address them pre-emptively. In her defense, many financial and estate planners recommend discussing the nuts and bolts of a parent’s financial death action plan before it gets put into action. On paper this is sound advice. However, it presupposes an incredible, sometimes unrealistically open, personal relationship between the generations. It’s good advice poorly executed in sometimes impossible scenarios. That’s the part they leave out in law school. And it’s a mighty big part. But at the end of the day, they are probably right to so advise.
Some small percentage of parents and children have a relationship open enough to have this frank a discussion, this author excluded, but on the other hand, if things are that open, they probably don’t require the discussion in the first place. Which brings me back to a delicate point. Don’t be too mad at your daughter, or yourself, if the relationship isn’t perfect enough to weather this type of question. That’s asking a lot- a lot more than most of us can deliver.
Consider telling her you love her and that you hope she can trust you and respect your generation’s wish for discretion and autonomy. Then, as a joke, get her one of those T shirts that says, “My mother died and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

Hope this helped.

-Wally

Ps Am I in your will? Damn you.

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