dear Wally 63 february

Dear Wally-
I don’t like February. It’s dark and cold. About the only good thing I can say about it is that it is shorter than the other months. But still, it isn’t short enough. Can you give me some perspective to help me get through it?
-T in Accord

Dear T:
I think I can do you one better than a new perspective. How about I actually get rid of February for you? I’ve been thinking about running for high office, like Governor, and I’d need a unique, hot-button campaign platform issue that hasn’t been co-opted and regurgitated by the big boys on the right or the left thousands of times over like health care reform, balanced budget, bank bailouts, etc.
Removing February. Hmmmmm. It’s never been promised before. This might work. I think New Yorkers might get behind me on this. Let’s see how it sounds from atop a soapbox:
Fellow New Yorkers, thank you for coming out today. I want to be your governor. If you vote for me, I’ll remove February. It’s dark and cold. It’s also short. I realize this may cost me the short vote, but to hell with them- there are a lot of tall people out there (and long months) to compensate. (By the way, to minimize the hemorrage of short voters, I’m hereby defining ‘short’ as under 1’ tall or fewer than 29 days).
February is also costly. Here me out. I know it’s cold and you are tired. With only 28 days, mortgages, rents, utilities and pretty much any monthly expenses are shoehorned into 3 fewer days and thus proportionally more expensive per day than in other longer months. Further, municipalities blow most of their budget in February on plowing and salting roads. What a waste. We have nothing to show for it in June. In these days of fiscal austerity, every New Yorker could use a break. I think educated voters and burdened townships will see my logic and be supportive of removing February as a necessary cost savings measure. People arn’t stupid, people. Between the icicles hanging from my frozen beard, I smell votes.
Presidents Washington and Lincoln have February birthdays and thus will be upset. But since leaving office, their daily influence has been greatly marginalized. In short, I’m not worried about them or their attack dogs on the Sunday morning talk shows.
The Valentines Day lobby might take it hard on the chin as they’ve spent a lot of money marketing mid February. The letterhead and business cards are already printed. But everyone I know always runs out of time getting bon-bons and flowers for their sweethearts, so most of New York probably wont mind shoving the holiday back into March or April.
The average daily temperature is 34.3 degrees. As you New Yorkers know, it is extremely difficult to make ice at this temperature. Getting rid of February means getting rid of problems for this important (voting) segment of the economy. We need solutions right now, not more problems. (Insert applause here). I know I can count on the ice makers’ vote to help me.
The horoscope writers should love this proposal—It’s less work for them. That means more time to spend in the markets buying things and stimulating the economy. Or more time with their families. Shorter horoscopes also mean less wasted ink and paper. That should keep the tree huggin’ environmentalists happy.
Febuary is also extremely hard to spell (see?). Getting rid of it will make 4th graders around the state happier and smarter. While it is true they don’t vote, happy 4th graders make for happy parents. Happy parents make for happy votes.
Procedurally, getting rid of February will be like a calendar facelift . We make a few small incisions after Christmas and before Easter, remove February, and stretch the other months taut. We’ll then suture January to March and, voila!-- all the year’s wrinkles are gone. We’ll look 30 years younger too!
Speaking of wrinkles, I can only think of one. My daughter’s birthday is in February.
And as I think on this a bit more, my dear constituency, I’m coming to the career stopping reality that she won’t like this move at all. She’ll be 2 this year and is fully expecting a party. And what is a politician if not a family guy?
It is for this reason, and after great deliberation, that I’m sorry to announce that I will not seek the office of Governor in the interest of spending more time with my family. February will have to stay and because my hands are cold this stump speech will have to end.
Sorry, T but you’ll have to look on the bright side of having February- the days are getting longer and warmer.
Wish I could have helped a bit more.
-Wally

Got a question for our advice columnist or just want to lobby him about making summer longer? Email him at cwn4@aol.com.