Dear Wally- Having trouble selling my 1989 white Saab. 3 unsuccessful listings on Ebay. I even lowered the reserve to $4 and no one’s biting!?! How might I word an ad to make it move?
-Saab lover.
Dear (last living) Saab Lover:
Look, someone listed his diseased large toenail on Ebay, and after a 3 day bidding war (!?!) some other someone walked away with it for $130. Why the very reasonable reserve of $4 hasn’t been met for this one time luxury motor vehicle is beyond me. (That’s over 32 toenails if you are counting at home). Try the personal, full confession ad, maybe something like this:
1989 Saab for sale! We named her Tess. Her Regan-era lines remain bold and classic. She’ll look great under a tarp on YOUR lawn while you figure out how to get rid of her.
We think Tess is a ‘she’ but honestly have never looked under the hood- not even to check the oil! We also think she might be a Republican.
She starts right up if you first hit her rear bumper hard with a piece of fire wood. The key broke off in the ignition (which was poorly designed to be between the seats on the floor and thus get packed with food crumbs by Americans). As a result now you have to use needle nose pliers to get her going. Not a big deal- just set down the morning coffee and have at it! Make sure you are wearing insulated gloves and remove wedding rings and other conductive jewelry so they don’t accidentally arc and melt your fingers together. Also if you have a pacemaker, you might want to let a friend start it for you. Park on a hill for trouble-free, pop-clutch starts.
Plan on short trips until your nose gets used to the very bad stench—It’s like a forgotten quart of heavy whipping cream or some squirrel rotting or burning or both. Come to think of it, this punky effluvium gets right up in your face with the unbridled, manic, pushiness of a just-rescued castaway.
One huge feature: She’s a convertible! So you CAN outrun the stench—and that’s where the turbo really helps! One drawback: the roof (recently replaced) is frozen in the open position. As a result, I’d rate the tan interior as crappy. (I do mean ‘crappy’ as a flock of Canada geese seem to have used it as a high altitude drop zone on their way south). Quite a bit of inclement weather has toughened up the old girl, including the 4 feet of snow that fell into it this winter and then melted (had no intention of shoveling the inside of my car as well as the walkway, thank you!)
The barn cat has been sharpening its claws on the recently replaced canvass roof (damn cat) and as a result, Tess now has some classic ‘laugh lines.’ (In the interest of full disclosure, the leather seats have been julienned by this berserk feline and her razor sharp claws. The damn cat has also taken up residence in aforementioned roof fabric, but I think a spirited shakedown cruise with the top down (like you have a choice) will dislodge most of the embedded hairs.
There’s a small leak. Not sure if it is serious because not long ago, the puddle underneath disappeared. Maybe it is self-healing? I hear Saabs are good like this.
There’s a sizeable dent in the passenger side door because we took it out into a cow field and were T boned by an irate bull (how’s that for irony? We had just been out for steak dinner).
She used to be a great car- we’d go out for a drive and have the wind rush through our hair as we sped to the ice cream parlor on a typical summer night. Now we just want it gone (just like GM). We’re done. And I’m bald. Plus the ice cream store closed.
Buy this car as a parts car for your other working Saab or drive it up on cinder blocks, shove a flag in it and call it art. Or simply gather some marsh mellow-wielding friends, and torch it!
Oh, the friggin cat gnawed on the steering wheel. Couple pulls of duct tape and she’ll be fine.
Good luck and I hope that you or someone wins this auction.
Please, if you are bidding from Monrovia, or some such, don’t waste my time. Shipping is over $10k. And on a $4 car, well, you do the math. Take your scam elsewhere!
Also- not looking to trade for an unused wedding dress and engagement ring (we’ve been asked). Not willing to barter for Slavic tutoring. And definitely not interested in lowering the reserve to $3.
Free delivery available if you live downhill and there are no turns.
Oh, almost forgot- this car comes with a cat thrown in. (literally)
Will sweeten the deal with a toenail if I have to.
Good luck and happy bidding!
-Wally
Got a question for our advice columnist or just need him to sell something for you on Ebay? Contact him at cwn4@aol.com
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