Dear Wally #58 A Raise?

Dear Wally-
We’re trying to decide whether or not to get an aluminum Christmas tree this year. I say yes. It’s a big family debate. Some of us want the ease of a no-hassle, prefab tree. Some of us think that cutting down a real tree is more in keeping with the holiday spirit. Surely you have some sagacious advice that can help avert a family fight? If you help me convince my family that I am right, they are wrong and that aluminum is the way, there’s $20 in it for you.
-Aluminum Anne in Hurley

Dear Anne:
Wow! $20? Merry Christmas indeed. There’s gonna be a big party around here on that!! Let’s innocently enough lay out the pros and cons and see if your obstinate, insensitive family can’t put aside their unslakable lust for holiday bickering and come to the right conclusion—your conclusion. And for a whole Jackson, I think I can only think of pros, if you know what I mean.
Pros: Aluminum trees are 100% symmetrical. If conical symmetry is what you need, (and who doesn’t need a little of that these days??) the choice for steel trees is a no-brainer. In our house we currently have a jagged, natural Charlie Brown tree that we cut down and stuffed into our living room. I neglected to bring a tape measure out to the snowy field, and ‘eyeballing it’ in the open, well, let’s just say my perspective was a bit off. As a result, the top foot of the tree bends and runs parallel with the ceiling. This Dr Suessian kink gives us and our guests sore necks just looking at it. The money we saved by cutting our own tree has been spent on professional chiropractic adjustments and painters. In this case, chopping our own tree down was a literal pain in the neck. Remind your family that with an aluminum tree, you just get out the Sawzall and have at it. Once you hack it to fit properly the first year, you can be sure it wont keep growing on you. That’s the beauty of aluminum. Plus, if you don’t have satellite or cable, you can just budge your TV near it, drape the power cord over it and it acts as a sort of antennae.
Aluminum trees also are green. “Green, Wally,” you say? “Oh really?” Yes, here’s how: All those cans you bring to the recycle center get collected and smelted back into useful household items like crutches, iceboxes, toaster ovens and xmas trees. Take a sniff of any Walmart tree and chances are you’ll catch a faint whiff of Coors Light. So by using up discarded aluminum cans, you are actually reclaiming a natural product and thus doing your part to help keep landfills empty. And that’s a gift that you can feel good about. That’s the kind of gift that never stops giving. Speaking of never stops giving, an aluminum tree (if primed and painted correctly) will never rust or decay- what better way to keep the Christmas spirit alive year after year after year then to imbue it into a rustproof aluminum chassis? (Try that around March 15th you brittle, dry, brown, shriveled, crooked, real wood evergreen sticking out of a snow bank!)
You may think that an aluminum tree lacks authenticity, but think again. Many higher end models come with plug-in Glade ‘evergreen’ liquid scents packs that can recreate a Saskatchewan pine forest well enough to fool the keenest of noses.
Aluminum trees easily fold into a shoebox when the holidays are over. There are no needles to clog your vacuum cleaner. No trying to fit it back out through the front door and getting stabbed in the hand or eye with angry needles. You can paint them pink and use them for Easter. Or Orange and use them for Halloween.
Fresh cut Christmas trees get back at you for killing them by oozing sap. They also need a little sugar water in their base to keep green longer and that’s an open invitation for household dogs to drink up the pitchy water. Drinking water with sap in it results in clogged canine urethras* This can be painful and costly (and embarrassing).
Some also say aluminum (frequently found in deodorants) causes Alzheimer’s disease. If your objecting family raises this thin scare tactic, reply by saying you have no intention of rubbing this tree under your armpits. That should quiet them down.
Well, that should about do it. I wish you and your family a joyous holiday holding hands around the aluminum tree (careful you don’t get cut on a sharp edge).
-Wally
*This has not actually been verified by science. But neither has it been denied…

Got a question for our advice columnist? Email him at cwn4@aol.com. Fan of natural Christmas trees? So is he and he’ll say so for $30!