Dear Wally #52 This Little Piggie

This Little Piggie…

Dear Wally:
I was playing ‘This little Piggie’ on my toddler’s toes recently. It felt irrelevant, stale and unfair. Can you please help me understand it or maybe even update it to reflect the current human condition?
-Gilian (mother of 2 toddlers) Stone Ridge, NY

Dear Gilian:
If you are feeling the ‘en-wee’ (wee wee!), let’s dig in a bit. Good stories need conflict and resolution- that’s what endears them to folks and what, in this turbid sea of life experiences, makes people feel buoyed to something other than a broken-off piece of beer cooler they happen to grab as it floats by. A good story shouldn’t go stale, especially one as interactive and sing-songy as this.
The original lyrics, of course, are :
This little piggy went to market,This little piggy stayed at home,This little piggy had roast beef,This little piggy had none.And this little piggy went... "Wee wee wee" all the way home...
Despite the billions of little toes that have been inspected and tickled by parents over the years, many today might feel that ‘piggy’ is an inappropriate, misdirected term—a pejorative surrogate for a human body part. We humans disparagingly refer to each other as ‘pigs’ when we do such uncouth things as pilfer company 401K funds, leave our dirty jock straps on the kitchen table, or heap yet another layer of marbled meat on top of the towering, free, midnight buffet platter the tilting cruise ship has already supplied. (No self-respecting pig has ever worn, or been caught wearing, a jock as far as I know). And yet all pigs are unwittingly dragged into our human drama, their images sullied and their tender loins crisped to perfection and served with delicious apple sauce. But as I reread this nursery tale that dates back to the 1800’s with more critical eyes, my brow furrows at the injustice and vagueness.
It’s not fair that the first of the aforementioned piggies has to go to the market day in and day out. Who died and made him the errand boy? Just because he is the biggest? That hardly seems fair. He never gets a break that doesn’t require a splint. He doesn’t even get any choice as to which market. And what if he also needs some lumber or hardware? He’s screwed. That means a separate trip and subsequently an enormous carbon footprint—even if he goes to the market in a Prius.
Unless…
unless they mean that when he ‘goes to market’ , ummm, it’s…a…one way ticket…ugggggh!!!!! They couldn’t! Could they? Gulp.
The next piggy stays at home because why? Because he’s grounded? The details of the house arrest seem conveniently murky. This particular little piggy is not being adequately socialized and it is recklessly irresponsible (if not unconstitutional) to make him stay home without due cause or process. Especially when piggy number 1 spends every living moment either at the damn market or getting to it. Piggy 2 clearly has Middle Piggy Syndrome and is acting out as such. This little piggy will likely land on skid row with an empty scotch bottle for a blanket but not before costing society dearly in expensive, uninsured trips to the ER that we’ll all have to pay for. This is a great example of bad parenting.
The third piggy eats roast beef?! Roast beef is pricy and the entire piggy family, except for at the holidays, can ill afford premium cold cuts in these fiscally austere times. Plus, all this daily red meat will wreck havoc on a GI track.
The fourth piggy ‘had none.’ None what? None roast beef? The ‘none’ that he has or doesn’t have is completely unqualified. No wonder some kids today are confused and overwhelmed... Whatever the others have that he doesn’t represents a grave injustice that needs revisiting in substance and sentence structure alike.
The last piggy went ‘wee wee wee’ all the way home. Well, tell piggy number 1 he needs to turn around and go back to the market to pick up some more diapers and wipes. Overindulge the runt of the litter and it’s a sure bet that incontinence and a smart aleck, potty mouth will follow. (Look what happened to me).
Well, we let the air out of that business and now there’s a void. So here’s a new rhyme for you. I find it lacks the character, meter and foot (ahem) of the original, but you may like its relevance. Grab your kid’s toes and give it a whirl!
Good luck
- Wally
This little piggy goes to New Paltz, NY to patronize the big box stores. He rides a bike and thus uses no fossil fuel. His family work ‘contract’ (which he was forced to sign at 5 years old) says only 1 trip per week. It has been reviewed and approved by PETA.
This 2nd little piggy stays home and cleans up with Clorox Green Solutions. Then after his homework is finished, he is allowed to go to Skatetime 209 for ½ hour before his French tutor shows up.
This 3rd little piggy has tofu sticks (not roast beef) because he doesn’t want to support the industrial agribusiness complex and their unfair feed lot, antibiotic and GMO grain practices. Plus he heard soy reduces blood pressure.
Turns out the 4th little piggy won the scratch off lottery from the Quickie Mart and is now the richest piggy in town. He drives a Hummer with vanity plates that read :USED 2 HV NUN. (The Catholic church is not happy with this).
This 5th little piggy legally changed his name to Smart Bacon (despite trademark violations) and says ‘me me me’ because saying ‘we we we’ is too 60’s.
Got a question for our advice columnist or just need him to stomp all over a perfectly good nursery rhyme? Email him at cwn4@aol.com