Dear Wally #43 Boyfriend

Help I need a boyfriend!

Dear Wally-

I need a boyfriend and I need one now. Someone handy would be nice because halfway through an addition to my house my ex (a carpenter) and I broke up. Damn it. It has been a long, cold winter with nothing but Tyvek sheathing to keep out the cold (and the wolves?). My fingers have yet to thaw. My ideal mate will need to know his way around a nail gun and also not be scared of ladders (I have a pesky clogging gutter situation that needs addressing three times a year). I’m not too particular about height—Somebody 5’10” would be ideal but anywhere between 4’ and 8’ is between the uprights, as far as I’m concerned. Speaking of sports metaphors, this guy CAN NOT be one of those self-scratching sofa slugs who watches ‘the game’ every day of the week. A little sports is ok (an hour a month?) but that’s it.
Oh, and can you make the fellow a good looking artist, too. (With no moustache??)
Thanks,
PP
(ps- Sorry to be pushy but can you make this a priority? My roof is starting to heave.)

Dear PP-
A long cold winter with nothing but Tyvek to keep out the cold? Let me get this straight: Your hands don’t work. Your roof is about to break. You need regular gutter and ladder work. There’s only a thin membrane between you and wolves.
And you wonder why guys aren’t busting down your door? (Do you even have a door or does your new boyfriend need to put that in too?) Let’s back it up and start with the basics: I offer advice on things I mostly know nothing about: From soapbox rants to rodent control to lottery fantasy fulfillment to politics and most everything in between. The ‘Dear Wally’ forum is not exactly a dating service, not even obliquely, but I’ll try to help you where I can because I think everyone should experience love (and clean gutters). And because I know nothing about seeking a male mate, I’ll offer some advice.
How about we ease away from the one-stop-shopping model of mate-seeking. It’s outdated. There was a time when one could drive through a country town and see a quaint corner store selling mismatched shelf-mates. Two in particular stand out in my memory: One store sold ‘cold beer and clothes.’ The other sold hardware and Chinese food. But those days of convenience shopping at the same place for hardware and Chinese food might be behind us. Those places are all out of business now and it’s no wonder. It’s a complicated, specialized world out there now and the same hold true for mates. Ask for too much in one package and you might get left holding useless sweet and sour nuts (and bolts). Nobody wins. It’s also a lot of pressure on any one human to hit all the things on someone else’s wish list. I respectfully submit that your wish list for handyman skills alone sounds decently extensive. I got shivers just reading your letter.
I think you might do well to consider first seeking a carpenter or handyman in the classifieds to finish your house before the snows return and not think of him (or her) from the get go as a sexual object or someone with whom you might want to dash off into the sunset. If, after a decent amount of work has happened and has been paid for, the wolves haven’t devoured you both, and everyone is happy, and you both start seeing sky rockets, then ok, fine. But keep the boyfriend part out of it for now. It’s too complicated, especially where power tools are involved.
You might simultaneously take an ad out in the personals (different from the classifieds, right?) seeking a man with the qualities you mention (minimum height, no moustache, etc).
Alas, your ideal of the uber-renaissance mench might also be antiquated. Da Vinci was the last known such jerk and since he walked the earth, he’s made the rest of us guys look like under achieving schmucks and fools.
I’m sure you will find plenty of folks to help out with the various projects and I’m excited to hear how things work out. You might also ask the question, ‘what am I bringing to the table’ (Yes, I know you need one of those made too, right after the roof is fixed). Are you witty? pretty? loving? hard working? appreciative? I’m sure all of the above, PP. Break it down for the guys out there and good luck.
-W

Got a question that needs answering or a roof you want someone to look at but not fix? Contact our advice columnist at cwn4@aol.com