mr cheapie

Mr. Cheapie?
Dear Wally,
Am I married to the cheapest man alive or what? His thriftiness has reached stratospheric heights. He makes ‘free’ tomato soup at the deli by using the catsup packs, complimentary hot water, and a few packets of salt and pepper ‘for flavoring’. (He says it tastes just like Campbells. It doesn’t. It tastes like hot, nasty, overly peppered, watered down catsup). He wont buy long pants because he insists they cost more than shorts. He reuses shampoo because he thinks ‘rinse and repeat’ doesn’t have to happen on the same day and if he only rinses once and collects the stuff that runs off his head into a container, he can use it again a couple of days later and save money (never mind that all the shampoo bottles in the house say ‘Hilton’ somewhere on them and came to us free in the first place). He says peanut butter is too expensive so instead he just eats peanut and jelly sandwiches.
He snipped up those free Tyvek Priority Mail envelopes from the Post Office to vapor barrier our house (in 2 foot patches!). Our unfinished house now looks like it’s an enormous Priority mail package. He never actually buys milk or sugar. Instead he detours to the Starbucks’ ‘fixin bar’ and fills up empty soda bottles. I think it’s illegal.
He just returned his shoes to LL Bean after 30 years because they ‘broke.’ He thinks Chapstick costs too much so instead he uses hot candle wax and then runs around the house screaming.
He thinks the clothes-softening dryer balls cost too much (at a staggering $1 each) so he uses lemons (5/$1) instead. (We now smell like we all work at a citrus processing plant). He doesn’t wear socks or underwear because he says it costs too much to wash them. He’s been known to drive over tubes of toothpaste in the driveway with his car to squeeze the last bit out.
When the tread on his car tires gets low, he ‘retreads’ them in duct tape and excitedly claims he can get another 20,000 miles. Not so good in the snow.
He takes grapes off the stems at the supermarket because he doesn’t want to get charged for the extra weight of the inedible stem. Same with taking the pits out of peaches before he gets to the register. He loads up on beer in Florida where there is no bottle law and drives back to NY with a car load of returnables. One time he spent 4 hours driving around (and wasting my time too) to find a muffler that was $5 cheaper than the first shop’s quote.
He has been known to take ‘free’ air from gas stations that offer it and store it in big inner tubes just to have it. We dry our clothes out the window of the car to save electricity.
Help!
So, am I married to the cheapest guy alive, or what?
-Mr. Cheapie’s Wife
(Wally replies)
Cori? Honey? Is that you?

Got a question that needs answering? Or have a cheap husband that needs outtin’ ? Email our advice columnist at cwn4@aol.com or visit his blog at www.wallynichols.com